gewgaw

Sent to me with the subject line: “God Help Us!”.

Ouch.

My great aunt Opal died this week, after a long battle with cancer. In this photo (with 3 of her 4 sisters), she is furthest to the right. My grandmother Doris is on the far left.

On the one hand I’m very sad, because Opal was such a giving, caring woman. She was always so kind to me, so sweet to everyone – which you can see here, in her smile. As of late, she was especially supportive of my grandmother – who moved to a managed care facility within the last year or so, after living down the street from Opal for over 20 years. Losing her will be hard on everyone in that circle.

But anyone who has seen someone die of cancer knows just how exhausting it can be, how draining. The end isn’t welcome, but the closure certainly is. I am relieved that her pain is finally over. She has passed, and is at rest once again.

- – -

Opal was “the baby”, with my grandmother second; 10 children total. Now that she has passed on, my grandmother is the youngest surviving member of the family.

The funeral will be small, intimate, mostly local relatives and my parents. Instead of going out to the East Coast myself (spending a lot of money on last-minute arrangements), I will be making a donation to the American Cancer Society or some other cancer-related charity.

But I also needed to process the death… to take the afternoon and spend some time thinking about Opal on my own. I did that in Muir woods this weekend. It was my first time out to the park and I was stunned by its ancient, slow beauty.

From the strong, striated bark to the furry, mossy branches… from the cascading light to the complete stillness of the forest floor… it was exactly what I wanted for my day of memory. A perfect place to contemplate the passing of time, the futility of strife, and the cycle of living and dying that defines all our actions. And to be happy that I live, for some short time, in this world. That is a gift worth celebrating.

- – -

Work continues to be difficult. I have to help the team decide which of a dozen great ideas we’ve got time to implement… and choosing is so very hard. Nothing makes this easier, and the time left is never enough. With 5 or 10 years more, our list would *still* get cut. I know that this phase will pass, and that whatever ends up getting built will be much more than we let ourselves hope for. But as the little tombstones line up in my mind, despair creeps in. It is hard to let them go – even to resurrect them later.

It is a gift, I have been told, to see the potential of things (and people). Friends have said that this is how they define me. “With you, it’s not about what is, but what could be.” This can be a good thing: I’m an optimist, and willing to put energy into things that are risky, unrealistic, or just plain silly. But there is this, too: I can be excited about things to the point of undue disappointment. I can give myself over to hope in a way that makes it hurt doubly when things don’t work out.

As I walked through Muir woods, and thought about the loss of my auntie, I realized that this struggle between hope and disappointment is what defines my life. Cycles of wishing, aspiring, believing that I can make a difference… and cycles of longing, sadness, and regret.

I’ve tried at times to isolate myself from the pain of disappointment – mostly by dulling my experience or communication of excitement. But it never really works. Somehow, I always get my hopes up. My enthusiasm for the new, for potential, for what could be – that outweighs any protectionist agenda. I am a mind and heart of open borders.

- – -

Opal found out about her cancer about 5 or 6 years ago. She had some operations, some chemo, and then, went into remission. When it came back, Doris had already suffered a heart attack – the care facility was just a few months away. With her husband gone and sister in care, her children self-sufficient… Opal decided to let go. She chose hospice care and morphine over continued radiation treatments. She let the cycle run its course.

I admire that so much. I admire her ability to make peace with the life she had lead. I am not sure, at this stage, if I could do the same. But each day I am trying to become that strong. Wise enough to see the outlines of a vision and let it remain just that, without feeling denied. Understanding that a dream can exist for some other day, some other project… or some other life.

Looking at photos of Kim’s newest child, I now see Opal, swaddled in blankets and the arms of her mother, over 80 years ago. I see her as I saw her most recently: wrinkled and soft, with warm eyes and an open heart, as she held my hand and told me her sister would survive and leave the ICU. I see the way we all grow from seed, to thrive, and eventually fall, giving life to new things, on the forest floor.

- – -

Rest in peace, dearest Opal. You will be remembered, and missed, and loved.

So yesterday I went out to USC with a couple of other designers to give a talk to students in the interactive/games program (the film school one – there are 2 others, in 2 other departments!).

The talk was about what it’s *really* like to be a designer, and what sorts of practical, everyday skills help folks survive at all levels of the design career track. Things like negotiation, consistent execuition, communication skills… which to some may seem obvious, but are valuable beyond measure (especially to me, as I grow into my role as a lead).

Writing the talk was extremely helpful and cathartic – as was the trip down to USC. It gave me some time to pull back from the process I’m currently in (scoping the game, which can be tough, to put it mildly). It also gave me a good reason to gather advice from more seasoned designers (both inside and outside the company) about the things I can work on and request from my team to make this exercise (and it’s various iterations) as painless and productive as possible.

Finally, it helped me re-connect with why developers are so… smitten. Despite all the stress and uncertainty – there is the chance to create something really fantastic, at the end. Something that gives people a good feeling…. like this.

- – -

In the second portion of the class, I taught an abbreviated version of the MDA presentation that we’ll be doing at GDC again this year. Then the kids broke into groups of 4 and proposed changes to the mechanics and aestheics of Monopoly (to improve the busted-ass endgame). It was a suprisingly fun and efficient session – and really underscored how flexible and dynamic a small, motivated team can be when they are in the right frame of mind. When they’re aware of the skills they should be using/building/observing in their workgroup.

Going over the ideas of MDA, we discussed how innovative games don’t always “invent” new mechanics so much as combine known mechanics (and their resulting dynamics or aesthetics) in new and interesting ways. Quake (full of tense, pvp competition) + fellowship (team goals, roles) = Counter Strike. We discussed how rare it is to see new combinations… especially in commercial games (where sales is a huge concern, and new isn’t always better to the consumer).

How refreshing to see Crush, with that conversation as context. Finally (hopefully) a reason to dust off my PSP!

So apperently while I was away on vacation Comcast tried to download new software to my cable box for the shows/recording/DVR stuff – which corrupted my drive and botches all current attempts at recording. Boo!

But I did have a nice chat with the service person…

Lisa> Is there anything else I can assist you with tonight?
Robin> nope, not for now.
Robin> unless you know how to make world peace a reality
Robin> that would be nice.
Robin> ;)
Lisa> That would be a tough one.
Lisa> I’ll stick to cable for now.

Figures.

Never in my life would I have predicted a musical exploration of the bugs in Saints Row. But oh, how good it is.

Thanks for the link, Xemu!!

It’s that time of year again – time to look at our super ugly web site and think about submitting something to the workshop.

:)

Seriously – as always I’m looking forward to seeing the best and brightest independent and experimental projects gathered in one room for a brief time. Even if I have to sit on the floor!

How awesome is it that the Producer’s Guild is giving an award to a game designer who has produced a slew of super open-ended, non-linear, non-cinematic game. Go sandbox, go!

Congrats, Will!

An interesting take on the shortage of female programmers in Silicon Valley, and the Open Source movement in particular.

And on another (perhaps not so unrelated) note – here’s a take on the challenges people face today in the HR profession.

Ok so I got tagged with the 5 things meme. If you tagged me before, I apologize for not getting to it. But hey, I was home sick yesterday, so I got caught up on my (non NU) mail. Here goes:

1) I took 10 years of piano lessons as a kid, but faked most of it playing by ear (and thus, still can’t read sheet music for piano all that well). I wonder sometimes what it would have been like if my first teachers had *encouraged* my interest in improvisation and memorization (say, by giving me a jazz fakebook) instead of punishing me with endless volumes of “Finger Power”. God, how I hated those scales.

2) My greatest fear is blindness . My mom has some serious glaucoma, and I am probably at high risk for it myself.

3) I lost my gas cap this weekend and now my car is complaining. I’m probalby too busy with various work crap through the end of the week to fix it, but I will worry about it nonstop until I do. I do that a lot – worrying nonstop about things I have no intention of dealing with in the immediate future – and it’s probably one of my biggest flaws.

4) I cannot stand the smell of Shamrock Shakes, which I got sick off of on my 8th birthday, when I was allowed to indulge in McDonalds on the way *in* to the movie theater (located in a mall) and the way *out* as well. Thanks to the shakes, candy at the movies, and a cupcake upon returning home, I produced a volumous amount of green puke, peppered with half-digested M&M’s. Eew!

5) On the flip side, I love the smell of freezing cold, fresh air. I only just realized this myself, while out at Yosemite. I miss the ionized, sharp smell of an icy morning – the kind that makes you sneeze when you first walk outside. I miss it something awful!

And I have no idea who to tag with this, cause I’m so behind on reading blogs that I have no idea who else has done it. So I’m taking a raincheck. Nah!

In the meantime, please feel free to read this analysis of the game design of the meme (thanks, Kim!!)

Voila – Yosemite pix are up!

I was reading a book on Zen the other day, and came across this passage:

“Misty rain on Mount Lu,
And waves surging in Che-chiang;
When you have not been there,
Many a regret surely you have;

But once there and homeward you wend,
How matter-of-fact things look!
Misty rain on Mount Lu,
And waves surging in Che-chiang.”

When I was younger, I longed to travel and see new places. Now, opportunities present themselves continually – travel for work, travel for pleasure… and more than anything, what I want is to be grounded, settled, in some kind of rhythm.

I suppose it’s partly hormones, partly maturity, partly my particular circumstances. But whatever drives this change, I feel that my travels are somehow less about “being there” in the sense of “having seen it or done it” and more about “being there” just … to be.

Regardless: Yosemite is beautiful in the winter…. and COLD! If you are going anytime soon be sure to check up on the weather even a day before you go. We got up there right as the cold snap hit and had to buy toe and hand warmers to cope!

The next thing I’m posting is *actually* a tres bizarre video I found while Googling for a link in my Costa Rica photos. It’s a re-make of the Thriller video, Bollywood style.

Go internet!

Finally (thanks to an impromptu sick day – blech) I have found the time to post photos from my recent travels. First up: my end-of-year holiday in Costa Rica.

Looking at these photos, it’s hard to imagine that such a place really exists. Every inch of the land there is buzzing with activity… completely innundated with life. And yet, I settled inot a great rhythm there, just taking it easy, one day at a time.

As some of you know, the whole thing was a bit seat-of-the-pants. I only decided to go after Thanksgiving, and by the time I arrived in San Jose, the entire trip had already been planned. All I did was wake up, get dressed, and head out for an adventure… each day… for 10 days in a row!

It was by far the most relaxing trip I have ever taken, despite the busy pace and novel activities (rafting, kayaking, snorkling). No fretting about schedules, transportation, meals or anything. I just floated along, like a feather. Didn’t even get a sunburn!

Overall, I’d say that Costa Rica is a great place to visit… provided you avoid the high season tourist magnets. Our time near Arenal was fun, but by the end I was really tired of big gaggles of tourists. The Osa Peninsula was a perfect antitode to this vacation overload – isolated, wild, and beautiful.

Highlights of this portion of the trip include seeing tons of monkeys, sloths and bugs of all sorts, the most patient and fun guides I’ve ever met, and an unexpected game of Settlers of Catan.

Next up: Photos from my snow-shoeing trip to Yosemite! Brrr!!

How did this contest even happen?

Best quote from the thread about this article:

They should’ve just used beer instead. Because NO ONE can hold their wee after that much beer. No one.

And beer makes everything better.

A while back, I started to get “Word a Day” emails. They were a gift – and something I figured would get old, after a bit. But I must say – it really is fantastic to get a new word each morning… it just makes the day a bit brighter.

If you are not already on this massive mailer, it’s one piece of spam I’d suggest signing up for.

Words are things; and a small drop of ink
Falling like dew upon a thought, produces
That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think.

-Lord Byron (1788-1824)

This is an interesting idea. Will the Wii’s browser functionality support an independent marketplace for SMAFF (smaller, funner, faster) games??

Couldn’t help but notice the difference in tone, background and analysis here. Refreshing!

Well I’m back from a long trip to Costa Rica – back at the office, surrounded by designs, documents, to do lists. It’s strange to be here after I was just in the deep jungle, looking through a scope, at sloths.

Anyhow – there will be photos soon… but today’s post is about this quote, which I just saw up on Kotaku, in regards to the report that Rare’s founders have moved on to pursue other projects:

The two will be succeeded by current Rare employees who will hopefully do a better job justifying the dev house’s $375 million price tag. My suggestion to the company responsible for Grabbed By The Ghoulies and Kameo? More blood splattering, muscle bound Killer Instincts, fewer soft and fluffy, Skittles-colored, E-rated adventures. Your fanbase will greatly appreciate it!

Call me crazy, but it seems like a sad state of affirs when a gaming enthusiast admonishes developers who tried new things, and even worse to prod them back to the (crowded, and often boring) mainstream. In fact, I think it’s one of the things we really suck at, as an industry: appreciating our not-so-successful attempts to reach new places with gameplay, story, characters and style.

Even the failures have lessons, right?

While VP was not the game I wanted to play (too strategic, didn’t allow me to develop a relationship with the little animals), it was certainly something worth playing. Many of my friends spent time playing it with their children and families over the holiday break. And while it may not have hooked them the way Pokemon and other games of that class have in the past – they enjoyed themselves. It made them happy, for a few hours.

Judging for the AIAS awards this year, I’ve had a lot of thoughts about games, awards, innovation, craftsmanship and execution. Many of the people participating are long-time veterans of the industry… people who were making games before I was playing. More than anything, I found myself surprised by their openness to new things, to new forms of play, and their appreciation for the oddballs. Then I was suprised (and saddened) that their attitude was so unexpected. It seems that an open mind about what games should and can be is… increasingly… rare.

How did that happen?