gewgaw

From Kenny’s blog: link to UW Madison’s robot protest of labor laws in Wisconsin. Some of the photos are really priceless. This one is my ultimate favorite, tho.

I have been hacking all weekend on my thesis project. It’s slow going, and for no good reason… just the molasses-like flow of coding, compiling, testing, iterating.

Don’t get me wrong – I love to see my ideas come to life in the program’s behavior (that is, when they work) – but making it happen can be… draining. I feel like I’m waning just sitting there, my body paler and lighter as it is absorbed into the screen.

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I’ve come to the realization that (for me, at least) working with a big, pre-existing codebase is kind of like living in someone else’s apartment for a while. At first, it’s novel – unfamiliar and so interesting just because it’s different. But after a while – it’s hard to keep from working to make it yours. From making it more like home.

Nothing big at first – you might buy new coffee filters, or a trash bin for the office. Then, maybe the refrigerator needs cleaning, and organizing. Or maybe the bathroom cabinet? Something isn’t where you expect it and soon you’re digging through cupboards, moving the things you might use (or had been looking for just the other day) to the front – so they are easier to find when you need them.

Pretty soon, you’re decorating – embellishing. Might buy a plant for the kitchen window, or a soft throw for the living room… some new slippers to keep by the door. House sitting for a summer, you could end up transforming the place… without even noticing.

I know I would.

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And that’s the problem with this – my last project. I want to make it totally cozy, keep it all ordered just so. Re-organize, straighten, make it hang together *the right way*. But there’s no time.

And who, after all, is going to care if I replace the original classes or naming conventions with something more “appropriate” or “intuitive”? Would changes like this make sense to anyone but me? Loose ends (leftover comments, snippets of old code), stray functions – why do they irk me so? Even the ones that were there when I first downloaded the SDK! Can’t I at least leave those alone?

Really – I’ve been spoiled. Ruined by long timelines and lots of creative freedom, pampered by small projects and small groups. If I’m going to make a go of it in games (not as a coder even – just as a little production cog), I’m going to have to let go of my urge to do things *right* and learn to be more flexible. Leave out some dirty dishes, forget about the closets, get used to overhead lighting. That kind of thing.

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Another thing I’m learning (the hard way) – is that I’m gonna have to curb my enthusiasm when it comes to volunteering. This post on Azzari’s blog really brought that home.

It’s easy, as young women in our field, respective specializations and interests, to spend a lot of time on causes. People seem compelled to ask, we feel compelled to help out… and usually, we enjoy doing, organizing, speaking. But it takes time, and for us, time is all there is. A few causes can be the difference between a 4 and 6 year track!

Going over my CV this past weekend I realized just how much time I’ve spent contributing in some way or another. Even now I’m behind on a couple of articles, some critical feedback on a book, due to write several folks for abstracts for yet another editing project. I see these things languishing in the “to do” gutter of my day planner and feel terrible. *Especially* when I’m sitting watching compiler messages scroll by.

If only I could erase my obligations from my mind while programming, and then suddenly flush my brain of DDA stumpers when trying to focus on writing. Heck – I’d settle for a night of dreams that didn’t involve meta-reasoning about program architecture, or even a few free hours in which to enjoy a movie. Smack dab in the middle of the RZA/GZA/Bill Murray dialog in “Coffee and Cigarettes” I had an “OH SHIT” realization about one of my coding threads!

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And yeah, so I haven’t gotten to that stuff I told you I’d do. The dog ate my latest draft, the spreadsheet, your business card, and the memory stick with all those E3 photos. Sorry sorry sorry…

…maybe later this week?

Taking good photographs is such an art – something I’ve always aspired to improve at – and portraits are the hardest. While Brian and Jeanne were visiting, we spent some time looking over old photographs – and I could see how different my eye was at 11, 17 and 25.

In the collection I found a real gem – Brian and his friend Ben Maynard, in 7th grade (???) – dressed up in some of my old (non black – how crass!) clothes. On Brian’s head is the raspberry velvet beret I cherished as a high-school goth – one of the only spots of color I allowed in my wardrobe. I lost it one night at a dance club – or was it in someone’s car? If not for illegal substances, I could be wearing it to the Prince concert next month!!

Ben is wearing a Laura Ashley jumper my mom bought for me (gag!), and my super-giant-sized Gap jean jacket – it had a gray corduroy collar. At that time I think I’d already lost half of my vintage pin collection (on a vest that got ripped off at a Friendly’s)… but you can still see a couple stragglers, gleaming out from the denim.

I had less creative control over my surroundings then, and it drove me batty. Those curtains – which I loved in 7th grade – soon became the bane of my exhistence. Notice the heart-shaped rug on the floor next to my dresser? I hated it – but it was strategically placed to hide blue and red wax stains in the white carpet – probably from flailing with dramatic teenage angst, while listening to the Jesus and Mary Chain, or Swans.

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In the pile was this photo of Brian graduating from high school just a few years later – look at how he’d changed! I remember coming back from college to find him with a square chin, stubble and an obviously active sex life – that really surprised me.

For reference – here’s what I looked like back then – with *gasp* – my natural hair color… and my mom. What was she thinking with those glasses? More importantly – what was I thinking with that dress?

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I had a great time today with the Sun Times photographer… watching him set up the shots, the lights, and the angles. A really wonderful man – he laughed at my jokes, told me I was pretty, and then laughed some more just for good measure. It was worth it just to meet him.

Turns out he knows Stephanie, who used to work at the Tribune (and run photobetty, and date my friend Rob) but left so she could keep living in Afghanistan and photograph what’s going on over there.

It is as small a world as it is fucked up, sad, and beautiful.

I got up today and it looked like rain. My-Cast said clear skies, but the radar implied otherwise, so I took a look at the Chicago Tribune to double-check. I don’t usually read the paper, mostly because it depresses me. A sampling of the front page confirmed this fact:

U.S. alerts public to 7 suspects

Legal activist dies in police custody

Beefier version gives 2 views of Saturn SUV

Cheap thrills Before shelling out $50 for that unproven new game, check out the hundreds of oldies but goodies that are going for $20 or less

*sigh*

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But I can’t be too down today – because my AAAI papers are finally done!

It seems no matter how early I start on a paper deadline, I’m always typing frantically just before they’re due. I first outlined the MDA paper last summer, while vacationing in Austin… and had working drafts of it and my DDA paper over a month ago. But they just refused to come together till 5 pm on the 25th.

But now it’s over, and I feel so relieved. Like a huge mental weight has shifted. And can already see what the longer versions will look like. Mahk wants to work the MDA paper into a Game Developer article, which I think has a lot of potential.

In other news – I make a brief appearance in this G4 segment on the Indie Game Jam – sounding like a valley girl as usual. I am amazed I said *anything* coherent, given my near-comatose state.

Tomorrow – someone from the Sun-Times may come to “snap a photo or two” for that article I mentioned a few posts ago. Misha wrote to ask if I had some video-game related stuff in my office that the photographer could shoot me next to. I wonder – does my Parappa Toaster count?

I always enjoy looking over the IGDA newsletter. In addition to the monthly columns and announcements, Jason and crew always provide an interesting set of links in the news section – both pro and con games.

From this month’s mail: surgeons who play video games may err less.

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From the GamesIndustry.biz mailer: Microsoft seems to be following Eidos’s lead when it comes to attracting gamers. Three cheers for porn stars! Given the demographics of play in Japan, at least there’s a slim chance Eri plays games…

1) Pixelblocks, while pretty, hurt your fingers when you try to take them apart. But still – you can use them to make fun things. Just be prepared to suffer if you are a bad planner, or fickle. *Cough*.

2) Liz McGrath is awesome. Verdict on recent purchases = more please!

3) Les Savy Fav’s “Inches” is breaking my head open over and over. Even a hundred million years from now, the love they make will still be putting out.

ps: Paper deadlines suck.

I got a surprise visit from my brother and his girlfriend this weekend, which (despite my totally crammed schedule) was a welcome break and a great time.

Why the sudden visit? They were driving up from Florida so Jeanne can have her car with her as she tours for the next 3 months or so. Brian kept her company on the ride up, then caught a flight out of Midway this afternoon.

It was great to finally meet in person and hear all about her life – growing up in France, coming to the states for golf at 14, eventually playing for U of F in Gainsville, and then on to the juniors tour. I don’t want to gush, people – but it’s hard not too. In addition to being independent, dedicated and talented, she’s got a great laugh and a warm, welcoming manner. Even when Brian is teasing her about her cheeks (so cute!).

Of course, I took some photos. Thanks for all the giggles, you two. And Jeanne – GOOD LUCK!

So this year at E3 I spent time with several really cool girls. In addition to Jane and Souris, who always rock my world, I was able to hook up with Alice Taylor (visiting on behalf of the BBC – a friend of my friend Kass) and the lovely Angie Smets, who lives in Amsterdam with my good friend Kees.

I had vague plans to meet up with Alice, but they never got squared away – and it was just by happenstance that Justin (who also knows her) ran into her outside the South Hall on the last day of the show. Tho I must say, he was pretty hard to miss. In fact – I think someone was taking his photo when Alice bumped into him!

I actually had no idea Angie was going to be at the show (working the Guerilla booth – she’s currently an art director there)… and was eating lunch with a friend (sitting on the floor, in the causeway wi-fi bar) when she appeared – a vision in black, complete with her pixie grin and trademark high heels. It was such a nice surprise!

But the biggest surprise of the trip was Joanne Kim. She’s hilarious, totally sarcastic, and names her dogs after the characters in The White Shadow. Currently, she has a cockapoo named Salami. According to Justin, she spent one Halloween in college dressed as a giant Maxi Pad. Need I say more?

Well – here we are, posing in sweaty, hijacked Storm Trooper helmets, just chillin, and looking mighty fine. Photo courtesy of Justin, inspiration, courtesy of Joanne. So inspiring, I updated my homepage!

My photos from E3 are still sitting in my unix directory, but kind folks have already started beeming images my way. I always manage to make such wide, goofy, and squishy faces. At least Jason spared us all and kept it blurry for me. Lord only knows what I do with my face when dancing.

Souris’ trip photos are all so colorful and fun! See me next to Chris’s big happy grin (making up for his sad, shrinking voice) and Silvio’s killer wheels.

This weekend, photos will go up. Promise!!

I spent an hour this morning chatting on the phone with Misha Davenport of the Chicago Sun Times, who is writing about women in games – partly in response to the recent Women in Games Conference announcement.

Misha is really passionate about games, and we had a lot to talk about – mostly just rambling from topic to topic, sharing thoughts and ideas. But a couple of times, he really stumped me. In particular, he asked me a question about role models – as in “which female game characters do you think of as role models?”

I found it incredibly hard to answer this – perhaps becasue my game-related role models tend to be designers, not characters? As we talked, I thought a bit about staple action game characters or the girls of horror-adventure. While they’ve certainly had an impact on me, and I enjoy playing games with female leads… I have a hard time thinking of them as “role models”.

It goes beyond the boob thing (tho it is hard to relate to melon-sized honkers). It’s becasue I see my favorite characters as avatars first – thin veneers of character and story over a deeper, me-focused action paradigm. I am my own role model, I guess?

I understand that Final Fantasy holds big appeal for some – but I don’t like watching. I prefer to put myself *into* characters and immerse myself in character actions – to do. This is why I play games (for pure empathy, I’ll check out a movie).

And because my focus is action-based, it’s the actions I recall – even in games with limited action. I remember snapping panicked shots of the “blinding mask” ghost in Fatal Frame quite vividly – but the school-girl squeals of the main character are a faint memory. Similarly, with Tomb Raider… it’s the waterfalls, tunneling passages, thick foliage and crumbling idols that stand out in my mind. Lara’s measurments (for better or worse) are not part of my internal narrative.

By talking with Misha, I realized that it’s worlds I remember. Worlds, and “verbs” as Doug often says. Climbing, jumping, swinging, fighting. And (for me, at least) these things are relatively gender-neutral. Inside a Mario suit – I am neither a boy or a girl. I’m just… wooohooo!

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The second question that stayed with me after our conversation was something like “As a women in games – what is the hardest thing you face?”

It’s tempting to answer questions like this with complaints about being treated differently. I try not to do that. Not because gender-based discrimination doesn’t happen in my area – but because I don’t feel it’s really held me back so far. And while I tire sometimes of being “the different one” I also kind of thrive on it. I wouldn’t have kept at this whole women-in-cs-and-games thing if it made me totally, utterly miserable… (at least, I like to think I wouldn’t).

In answering the question, I came to the conclusion that the biggest hurdle for me to overcome is actually myself! I’m pretty impatient, and often wish I could learn faster, do better, work smarter. If anything, being different draws my attention to areas where I can improve – and that can be frustrating.

I can be my own worst critic – and that doesn’t do anyone much good. Better to be positive and struggle on, make mistakes and learn from your peers. Much better than spending a lot of time wishing you could be different, or more “like them” (whoever that is). I wonder sometimes how many women in CS and games have similar thoughts and feelings…

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Just as I was finishing this entry, Seth came by to pick up a box of books and chat about his recent visit to Swarmfest. In addition to showing me photos of his lecture and discussing his elaborate poster (a business card, tacked to the wall!) he showed me his latest bibliographic purchase: a book full nuclear explosion photography.

“It’s to go with my book of nuclear weapons.”

Seth rocks!

After a week of LA traffic, irregular meals and the other random inconveniences of travel – all I really wanted this morning (I flew the red-eye) was to sleep in my own bed, eat an English muffin, take a long bike ride, and then spend a few hours with my computer.

Catching up after E3 is always hard for me; I find the show draining in the extreme. I often get headaches from staring at the art in museums, from the ringing tag-sensors at store entrances, and from fluorescent lights… so you can imagine how the throb and sparkle of the expo tweaks my internal equalizer.

To top it off, I usually come home with hundreds of photos to sort and post, new people to talk to, and a head full of observations, rants and ideas. Just the thought of all that culling kind of gets me down.

This year, however, there are fewer photos, fewer business cards. Ideas primarily came from casual conversations with friends and colleagues – the show was light on inspiring content. Like the much-anticipated but unremarkable album released by that band you used to love so much. Well-produced, well-executed… but flabby.

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And there isn’t a lot of room for flab in my life right now. The day before I left, Ian and I went over my summer schedule and funding – it looks like I’ll be on a shoestring, and a fast rail. Both of these things are good – less cash means less travel, which means less distraction from the (still daunting, if waning) task at hand.

My goal is to defend by late September, so I can go to Tokyo and celebrate. Till then, it’s sweet home Chicago for me. Mild weather, morning rides, and some awesome headphones should make it a little more bearable.

I must admit, I was pretty depressed after I got back. Trying to imagine where in that sea of generic titles I will finally end up – kind of scared me. But after a little rest, organization, thinking and homemaking, the weight is lifting. The Berlinette greets me…

Abstract pictures… in my mind, I control.
Realize, this is my life, my craziness.

Fresh guacamole, salsa and black beans in my tummy, new buds on my orchid, and a soft (snoring) kitten curled up at my feet. It’s good to be back.

About two years ago, Jeb lent me a copy of Project Grizzly.

I wasn’t sure what to expect from the tape – all I knew was that Jeb said it was “amazing” and “really weird”. Hearing him to say that, I figured it had to be pretty strange.

Well – it was better than I could possibly have imagined. Sad, funny, genius, retarded, hopeless, vain and baffling. Pseudoscience and docudrama of the best and most enjoyable kind. Totally entertaining.

If you ever get a chance to see it – be sure to invite a lot of friends over for the screening. It induces stomach-cramping fits of laughter, groans of disbelief, gasps, shouts (”What the…”) and in places, rewind binging. Especially in the section described at the beginning of this review

For those of you who *have* seen the majestic, bear-proof suit in action, now’s you’re chance. The Ursus VI and VII are up for auction on EBay!!!

I am now syndicating entries for this blog – /blog/rss.xml will set you up. Still working out a few kinks with my calendar but hey, even getting to this was more than I expected. Thanks to Rob for sending an improved version of the .elc file!

Of course, I had to get an aggregator and validate my syndication – so now I’m going over all my favorite spots and setting up subscriptions. During my travels I found this silly photo href=”http://jhorneman.typepad.com/photos/gdc_2004/008_me_singing_karaoke.html”>Jurie’s GDC pix – followed by the final drawing. The thing is, I can’t remember why I was drawing a pirate! Maybe because Daniel James was in the room and I was gushing about how cute he is?

However, I did in fact remember why I’d been slack about setting up RSS. Just like trn, only better. Been reading news and blogs all afternoon!

Paul found this site by clicking on an ad in the New York Times.

“Experience some of the toughest fighting in the war. Wherever the war takes our forces, we’ll put you there. After we report it, you play it.”

I find this exceedingly creepy.

But really – what is the difference between playing this war game, and a WWII shooter? Or any shooter, for that matter? Does the fact that these are “real world” events really make it any more… real?

I am pretty tired of the games/violence debate, and generally, I steer clear. But I couldn’t brush this one aside. Even tho I know that the “reality” craze is mostly just a new framing on the same narrative and dramaturgical devices – the thought of people re-living firefights that just occurred (regardless of whether or not they are “authentic replications”) makes me feel ill. It seems wrong. Schadenfreude. Bad karma.

And who is creepier – the person who pays to play these scenarios, or the developers that profit off of them?

The ever kind and generous Doug, bought a copy of Katamari Damacy for everyone on the EGW staff, and I have been dying to play it. A couple of days ago, Ayman lent me his modded PS2 so that I could take Katamari and Mojibribon out for a nice long test-drive. Man – are my thumbs killing me.

Predictably, I’m the kind of player who mashes the controller and wiggles around excitedly in my seat. I *know* pushing harder doesn’t help the car go faster or make the punch pack more of a wallop – but I can’t *help* it. I’ve actually blistered one thumb (left) thanks to the dual analog stick control in Katamari. Nice to know the right still holds up to extreme bouts of activity (the only control for Mojib is right analog stick).

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Oh, I love these games. I love love love them. Finishing the last stage of Katamari (where you grow your tiny junk ball from 1 meter to 300 meters) was truly inspiring. Watching as the ball absorbed people, trees, buildings… a giant octopus, Godzilla and eventually, entire landmasses… wow. It may not sell 6 million units but I still love it. Yes, just like the playground “love it, marry it” taunt. I would marry this game (or the lord of bling, who is heavily featured).

Ok, maybe not. But I am seriously distracted with it around. How many people can I absorb in the people-catching level? Birds? Crabs? Or conversely – how many of those damn cows can I avoid in the “grow until you absorb a cow” level? I am proud to say that I totally conquered the “grow up to 10 meters but no more” level with a ball of 9.9 meters in just 2 tries. Not bad for someone raised on English measurements!!!

Add Mojib’s beautiful but challenging game of beat-matching Japanese speech-generated raps and I’m a goner. I gave an impromptu talk on Tuesday, and did some heavy thinking/writing on Wednesday morning – but other than that, I’ve pretty much been dead to the world.

Normally, I’d make time to play a little each day (ok – more than a little, but a *bounded* slot) because that’s basically what you have to do when you have so many games to play and so much other “work” to do. But I feel bad keeping Ayman’s machine from him – and since I’m leaving for E3 on Tuesday, and he’s got a friend in town this weekend, I couldn’t really justify keeping it around.

So I’m wrapping up – and wondering what to do next. World of Warcraft beta? Republic (still in box – sorry Demis!!) or… attempt to finish Lifeline, start Mr. Mosquito or Mad Maestro? Perhaps polish up my TopSpin game, or master the links of Mario Golf?

Ugh! Why do we need to sleep?

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In other news:

1) I am briefly mentioned in this Wired article, and the Game Jam event wrap-up on Gamasutra (thanks to Souris and Justin!).

2) After some discussion, I decided to try the RSS thang. Will try to get to it over the weekend.

3) Also – I’m putting the links of my fellow grad student blogs in a separate section. Please stop in and visit Azzari, Chris, Pinku, Rob, and of course, Ayman.

So I typed “Aphex Twin” into music plasma and 80% of the landscape it returned is in my MP3 player. Aceyalone and the Magnetic Fields did the same. Stereolab – that produced the largest collection of relevant links – a constellation that spans my high-school record and tape collection all the way through my burgeoning digital hoard.

I feel so… predictable!

When I was in Tokyo last fall, Justin and Jane took me to Tokyu Hands – an amazing store filled with all manner of … well… stuff. Words almost fail me when I try to describe the assortment of items that they sell – everything from stickers to luggage to glow-in-the-dark fur, inflatable dice… an entire room filled with clocks…

One quote, from superfuture “There is nothing to compare with Tokyu Hands in terms of diverse product [stationary, hardware, interior stuff, junk, homewares, car, bike, etc etc and variations [ex. the 'coat hanger department' has about 100 styles...].”

Why am I daydreaming about Tokyu Hands? Because I bought this Pilot Multiball pen there, and … it’s sinful. Such a pleasure to write with. You may think I’m a bit nuts for saying so, but I actually have been “saving” this pen – writing with it when I’m having my best idea days. It almost makes me *feel smarter* it’s so smooth and easy to write with.

I’m not the only person who loves this pen. I googled it and found this gushy entry on the pleasures of pens (and the Multiball in particular). And who can blame her? It comes in a bunch of great colors – AND it’s got a pinball-related name. Maybe I will stop at the SF Japantown shop she mentions and search for some replacements?

Regardless… after writing up some notes tonight with the Mulitiball, the PhD is sorely lacking. Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised?

I have been listening to Stereolab nonstop today. In particular, …Sudden Stars – just perfect.

My pagan celebration of spring, fertility and the cycle of life was dampened, I admit, by the 35 degree wind chill. Ah, Chicago.

But it was a nice day none the less. Started with a wake-up call from Justin, sunny and warm on the drive to Santa Cruz, soon to return to the mountains outside of Oakland for an afternoon stroll. My recent photos of this area do it little justice. Forgive me, I was distracted by the adorable wildlife.

Sadly, microwaves and mountains thwarted our cellular connection… and after several starts and stops, we agreed to chat later. I made myself a big ol’ bowl of Cream of Wheat, and settled down to watch Sami Saif’s Family.

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For starters, it’s an incredibly moving story. On top of that – the film is well-constructed – designed to “play all the keys” as Saif himself admits. From long, set scenes of intimate dialog, to tight shots of Sami’s tortured expression during detective-work phone calls, to pans of desert, sky, and curtains billowing in the wind. The result: a tense, enjoyable and at times, hilarious film.

One thing I kept wondering – how could you write a game about this kind of parting/abandonment/reuniting? How to convey the anguish over a lost childhood, dead or estranged relatives? How to show so much, with so little – as when Sami strains to understand the broken English of a faceless voice over a long distance wire. “Hello? Hello?”

A lot of the struggle you feel while watching comes from identifying with Sami, imagining his internal monolog, or feelings. Part of it, tho, is the irresistible urge to advise him – as with a teen horror flick. “Now, Sami! Tell them who you are! Quick – before they hang up! It’s your only chance…”

How to get this kind of attachment and empathy in an interactive context? How to design directed, purposeful activities for a player that create, and then calm, this very kind of tension (something the film does very well )?

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I pondered this kind of stuff most of the day – doing laundry, cooking my weekly pasta sauce, shopping, sweeping up. Eventually, I headed out for Saeko’s birthday get-together (at a cute room-style karaoke bar just west of me, off of Devon). I wasn’t feeling up to singing – just popped in to drop off a gift (and some warm chocolate chip cookies).

I did stop off at the office, to pick up some books and my laptop, which I foolishly left there before going to see Von Freeman and Fred Anderson last night (was Fred’s birthday – pictures later this week). I don’t know why I ever leave it at the office – I always find myself wanting it for thesis hacking and email over wireless at home…

But there was a method to my madness, as it turns out. On the way back down Ridge from Evanston, I stopped at the grocery store to buy a new notebook – one just for my whiteboard meetings with Ian over the next couple of weeks. And you know what I found? My very own PHD.

And only $3.99! If only I’d know it could be so easy!