gewgaw

Its rainy and cold here today – all the more reason to stay in my office and work. Spent a good hour with techstaff just getting my new login and profiles set up for the new server configurations… and still my network drives aren’t mapping correctly. Humbug.

Looking over Souris’ trip and jump photose bay area was a good way to energize, tho. Look at the air she gets!

I miss you, smartgirls.

So.

Clearly I failed to write while out on the coast – which I suppose shouldn’t come as a surprise. I was so busy that March 20 seems like years ago.

For those of you who checked in to find a dearth of new posts (or to experience the 404s) – I apologize. I’d blame the departmental server upgrade but that would be fibbing. Mea culpa.

Now that I’m finally home, I’m not sure where to start. My cat is grumpy, my fish tank needs a new filter, and my room is a mess. I have photos to upload & stories to tell – but mostly, I’m just really, really tired.

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I guess the best (read: easiest) place to start is with my overall impressions. If I could choose one word to sum up most of what I saw and heard while at GDC and the Jam this year, it would be change.

Smart, dedicated people learning from their mistakes… established developers closing shop and moving on to new things… friends leaving old relationships and jobs for brighter futures. Everyone had a story about transition, metamorphosis, endings and beginnings.

You’d think with all the shuffling and upending, people would be down – but mostly, they were happy to be trying new things. 5 years is a long time to work on a game; 15 years is a long time to have the same job description. Developers like challenge, and shaking things up feels good to them – and can be a cause for celebration.

Even the things that were the same were pointedly different. This year’s Jam was probably the hardest ever, inspiring deep discussions about design and tuning. Individual efforts gave way to design collaboration… long lunch breaks (mmmm, crepes) and conversations about engine-driven games.

The MDA Workshop was packed once again (roughly 100 attendees)… but new exercises and electives kept things fresh. Faculty were particularly interested in monitoring and facilitating the creative process of design groups. Next year is going to be a real landmark for us, I think.

The EGW’s new format (and larger setting) led to improved presentations and a much less hectic feel (at least for the audience) – while maintaining the excitement of years past. Takahashi-san’s demo of Katamari Damashii was certainly the high point for me – followed closely by Matsuura’s demo of Vib Ripple (at the Game Hotel event following the Workshop).

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Looking back, it was an inspiring week – despite the fact that I only made it to 3 talks. If previous trips are any indication, it will be weeks before I fully process all the things I absorbed on this trip. I hope this year it will provide some interesting reading. But for now, as on the 20th, I need sleep.

So – hello again – and goodnight.

I’ve been busy jamming all weekend. It’s fun – the engine’s editor is an incredible playground, and it was tough to stop fiddling with objects and start actually coding.

Sadly, it is hard to fit a design idea to an engine – a lesson I learned the hard way (along with a lot of other jammers) over the course of the last few days. My shoe game (build shoes and test them on different surfaces) wasn’t going to work given the engine’s implementation of friction… Shoe stacking and other shoe-related games felt stilted or silly – not particularly “physical”. What’s a girl to do?

While playing around with the concept of a “shoemerang” (boomerang stiletto), I inadvertently built a force-driven spyrograph-type drawing tool. It’s not very game-like … and I may not have time to implement any real procedural elements – but it’s SO FUCKING COOL to draw with!

I will post some screenshots later. Now – sleep, precious sleep.

I am always such a mess just before I go on a long trip. Inevitably, I’ve put off something important, or left something crucial at the office, and end up staying up all night. Yesterday, while visiting Marc, Paul and Stefan over at Justine’s new lab, I couldn’t stop spewing about how behind schedule I was. Driving home through the snow, I found myself simultaneously dreaming about, and dreading, my eventual departure.

Today when I woke up, I decided to let go of the stress that normally creeps in, and just go with the flow. It’s not like I can pack any more time into the space between now and when my plane leaves, right? It’s bad enough that I have so many niggling errands to do – why foster a stomach ache as well?

I had a little help with my mood, tho. Plenty of birthday wishes still in my inbox, plus two cards in the mail. From my Nama (grandma Marion), a singing card that came in a trademark sticker-clad envelope. Look at those cute fishies! They are breathin’ out pure love for me! And hidden in the center of that flower? A Peace sign!! From my mom, a super cute card (the good kind of cute) that reads “For your birthday – I grew you a cat”. I listened to Souris and Slivio’s singing birthday message again, too – just for good measure.

But it didn’t stop there. While on the bus to Art and Science, I noticed a friendly-looking, older man – we got off at the same stop. While waiting for the light to change he turned to me and said “If I were young again, I’d marry you just for your eyes!”. Wow! Talk about putting a smile on my face. Then, at another errand destination, the clerk said to me “You know – you look like Meryl Streep!”. Stress – be gone!

On my way back to the train I stopped at Whole Foods to buy some Luna bars (my secret to avoiding low blood sugar freak-outs at conferences… and in general). On a whim, I decided to pass some good vibes along to Edward, the sincere and adorable cashier. After he rang me up, I asked if I could snap his photo. When he asked why, I said “Just because you’re so cute!” and pressed the button. Look at that grin!

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Of course, while out and about, I couldn’t help but stop and admire the shoes at Niche. It was pure research (didn’t even try on the gold pumps)… research for my shoe game, that is. And I think I found the first pair I’ll model. Imagine the complicated physics of walking in these!

Well I knew it would happen but my birthday has been so busy that I haven’t eaten any lunch – and it’s 4:30! I’m running late – and on thin air!

But whenver I feel stressed, I peek in my inbox – and there’s another birthday email! What could be better than birthday greetings snapped with a phone cam? Thanks for all your calls and notes – you people spoil me.

And speaking of photos – here’s my gift to all of you. Let this be a reminder that no matter how bad your day is going, you can always have a laugh courtesy of yours truly.

31 – but still a goofball!!!

Since my birthday falls on a Monday this year, and because I’ve been so busy, I decided to forego the usual trip to The House On The Rock, which is basically my favorite … phenomenon? attraction? in the entire Midwest.

Instead, a bunch of us went to the Skylark in lovely not-quite-gentrified Pilsen. The food is amazing (have the stuffed peppers!!), the company was fantastic, and it was the perfect excuse to dress up all in pink and feel fabulous. It was so nice to just relax and have a good time – even if the world is going crazy.

Thanks, guys… and doll!

Despite inexplicably inclement weather, I’m in a springtime mood. Partially, because I finally organized my closet in preparation for laundry, then GDC packing (less than a week till I leave now). And in the process, I took all my spring things out of storage.

And you know what? My closet rocks! It rocks so much that I decided to take some photos of it and post them here, to this very web page. The secret’s out – I’m a girly girl.

I know I spend a lot of time talking about games, AI, science and all that crap… but I also founded the shoe community on Orkut. I’m living a double life!!

No more. From now on I’m going to bleed some girliness (ha!) into everything I do. And I think I’ll start with the Game Jam.

I’ve already brainstormed some games about shoes (The physics of shoes? Shoe prototype and test game? Complete with crash-dummy catwalk steppers?) and I’m moving on to handbags, jewelry and makeup. Watch out, game geeks. Pink stuff, coming through.

I’m also thinking about bringing my Rez Vibrator to the Jam. It’s got a standard USB plug – maybe there’s a way to hack it? I would love to build a monster truck game where driving over giant obstacles gave you a thrilling buzz.

Whee!

A while back, at the very beginning of this blog, I posted a little bit about my frustration with Games and AI. Because I was new to the format, and yes – a bit shy, I kept it pretty vague. I wanted to capture the feeling of being frustrated, more than tackle the issues behind that frustration.

It appears that Jason Rubin was in a similar boat. At GDC and GDCE he gave this compelling talk on innovation in games. On the surface, it was mostly about how to look ahead, and find new areas to explore/conquer. But it was also peppered with hints – comments on risk-averse publishers, broken development models, and outdated marketing techniques.

At Dice this year he came out and said a lot more. Today, email and commentary on the speech arrived in my inbox, rife with cries for a revolution.

Part of me, I admit, wants to join them – giving “biz guys” and “marketing chicks” the not-so-proverbial finger. Who are they to tell developers what to do, anyway? But the truth is – they are the folks who help market and sell games. The industry needs them just as much as it needs its “talent”.

Developers certainly don’t get all the love they could. Heck – no one does, really. But I think a lot of the complaints out there overstate the case. It does suck to work long hours – but it’s also very hard to manage creative software development. Starting a fresh new garage band company with a great idea is still a possibility in games – but it’s difficult to sell products without lots of marketing support and direction. Getting products out the door on time, and into the hands of consumers – we can’t do it all on our own.

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It’s always tempting to look at the glass and see it as half empty – to feel like the grass is greener in other people’s pastures. It’s much harder to look at a web of complex, interlocking issues and say “Ok, I’m going to tackle X and Y – and hopefully, make a difference.”

Personally, I’m trying to do the latter.

In one of the email discussions I had today, I related how my personal goals for helping the development community relate to my work with the IGDA:

The quality of life thing is a real issue. Last year at GDC I got pretty worked up about it talking with Jason – later the IGDA formed the Quality of Life committee – a first (small) step towards making a change. The Business Summit (which a Kellogg colleague helped develop) is another small step – trying to create a dialog about the issues people see rearing up now. I feel very positive about both of those movements and hope they generate as much dialog as the Education Summits have…

What we *need* right now are biz & academic programs that help educate a new generation of managers & solve the big tech problems off-line (in non-published, experimental stuff). We need to keep communication channels open between devs and publishers. And we need to find ways to absorb new ideas/talent into the industry (a la the Game Jam concept, EGW, IGF and other such events/movements). Yelling at our parents, which is what the “dread publisher flame” often seems like (to me, anyway) is not the answer. We’re big kids now!!

Coincidentally, I ended up re-posting these thoughts to the WomenDev mailing list, where a discussion about the IGDA had taken a turn for the worse. The gist of that message: if you don’t like it, get out there and do something positive!

I’m not trying to steal anyone’s thunder. To the contrary, I’d like to encourage people who are angry or feeling used to get out there and make a change. Whether that means standing up in front of a room of publishers and giving them a piece of your mind, volunteering some time on an IGDA sig or committee, writing up your thoughts and sharing them online, corresponding with a like-minded game developer or researcher, or taking the time to visit a local high school or college and evangelize games as career for more than just white, male computer geeks. It’s fine to be upset – as long as you do something about it.

I had such a good time reading this post that I thought I would share it. Ernest sent it to the WomenDev list after someone posted asking about the imfamous Sega game “Night Trap” (which was mentioned in a recent GameSpy article on games and ratings).

I just love his creative use of ice cream as an alternative to a horrible death at the hands of vampires. I mean – isn’t that really what life is like? Some times, you get drilled in the neck by terrible, scary creatures that lurk in your basement … and other times… ice cream!

Clearly, more games should use ice-cream in their meachanics and fictions. Is there someplace in this whole ratings thing where we can cast a pro-ice-cream vote?

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PS: A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my l’il bro, Brian!

PPS: More ice cream – for everyone!!

After spending the weekend chatting with Andrew and thinking more about the experience of Facade, I’m even fuzzier about what lies ahead for work in this area.

As Andrew attests, it’s hard to simulate realistic actors, and exhausting. The sheer amount of content recorded this weekend is proof of that. Variations on the same sentence, just with different emphasis, create a whole web of possible meanings – meanings that may or may not feel justified given the relatively limited influence of spontaneous natural language inputs….

Natural language generation might help with the content issue – but the input problems (discussed here in Rob’s response to my earlier post) are still there. Would his suggestion regarding Trip and Grace’s response times make the user feel more welcome to contribute? Or would even the slightest slowdown tip the scales, making them feel robotic?

One thing Andrew and I discussed was a more abstract type of interaction – something more like improvised theater or music. I have been thinking a lot about the “conversational” nature of improvised jazz and how that can relate to design memes for interactive spaces. Nothing concrete as such – just seems like something we should explore.

But how? As with any move towards the abstract, the problem of feedback and clarity remains. People understand shooting and threat cues… but improvising? Isn’t that what gives first dates a bad name?

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In other news – my friend Kass’s project, Celebdaq won a BAFTA for Interactive Online Entertainment! And she just had a birthday! If it wasn’t the pink interface (just being uploaded when I last visited her) then it was the power of Pisces, for sure. Congrats, Kassie!!

Consider the note from yesterday – then read this report on the futility and strife of journal publishing. Three cheers for academia.

I logged onto Orkut and found this in my messages box, sent to all the members of the PhD students community:

After six long, arduous, trying years, I successfully defended on Tuesday afternoon.

After the public was dismissed, and after a subsequent forty minute closed door grilling by the faculty, they sent me out in to the corridor while they had the private discussion and vote.

When the door opened, and several smiling faculty wandered out, and each shook my hand, and said “Congratulations, DR. Courtney,”, it was probably the proudest and happiest moment of my life. It was clear from their smiles (and the fact that they voted to accept with no corrections required) that they actually *liked* my work and my defense, which was astonishing to me. I have been on an amazing euphoric high ever since, and it’s 3 days later…

In the process of getting here, I have done battle almost daily with the demons of depression and doubt about my intellectual worth, my lousy work habits and the quality of my research work. I know a lot of you are going through the same thing.

All I can say is: hang in there, it really is worth it, and you are probably much more capable than you think. Try to remember that there is a bigger picture, that the flaws you see in your work are only because you are an expert on your topic, and even just understanding and clearly, honestly articulating such flaws is probably a more valuable contribution than you realize.

For me, the emotional hell I went through in getting here has just made the sense of victory and accomplishment all the more sweet.

And one more thing: Don’t beat yourself up TOO much for all the time you’ve wasted on things like orkut when you should be writing. DO quit procrasting and get to work, just don’t beat yourself up about it. :)

Good luck all. I hope someone finds these words encouraging.

-Antony

In anticipation of Andrew’s visit, Rob and I have been playing around with the most recent build of Facade here at the office.

It is so nice to see the project finally coming together after so many years of development. I think about Michael’s week-long visit to Chicago over 4 years ago – our dinner time ramblings and his early thoughts about the project – and I get nostalgic! I also get a little embarrassed. Oh, the things I said (and believed) about interactivity in my youth!

I’ve done a lot of thinking about interactive fiction since then- spent a lot of time talking to folks about it and try to keep up on articles and movements within the community.

Playing around with Facade today, I realized that I’ve been sitting on some thoughts about interactive fiction and games – things I need to write down so as to keep them from disappearing forever. You can find them here. They are rough – maybe after the weekend I’ll post a part II?

I was waiting for my AAAI workshop paper at the printer today (drafts, drafts, drafts – will it never be done?) when I came across a back issue of Wired. In 10 minutes, I’d read about the fatal twin separation, ogled several superproducers, and absorbed a bunch of tech industry factioids.

But what I really liked was the photo spread on PC mods. The Pitfall Project, in particular, left me daydreaming. Do you think my Parappa Toaster would house similar hardware? I don’t know if I could bring myself to gut it, tho. I mean – c’mon. Parappa toast!

This month’s IGDA Newsletter, which arrived in my inbox yesterday, contained a bunch of pointers to GDC 2003 photos – many bright, friendly, familiar faces. Seeing dear friends… relaxing and smiling broadly, I started to get excited about this year’s festivities. The party invites have also started to arrive – between the Choice Awards, the Sony party, Game Hotel and other events – I’ll be lucky if I get any sleep!

Brian has a plan – we’re going to do yoga and go climbing (apparently the Fairmont has a climbing wall in the gym now??) to keep ourselves in shape and focused. I’ve made similar plans before – hopefully Brian’s dedication to adventures in bodystretching will persevere.

In just this morning – evidence of a drastic but welcome change in Mahk’s life, and some photo links from Scott’s travels last year. This batch included two cute portraits of Seth and John. Looking closer at the John photo – you’ll see this – which reminds me of my own dead animal shots. The fact that it’s just a head is really … neat?

Finally: a note from Andrew (to the right of Sean here) on his upcoming visit. He’ll spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday recording the last round of dialog for Facade in my living room. I actually did the first live reading of the script, in that same living room, almost 4 years ago (with my ex – in a scene that paralleled the game’s fiction a little too closely for my tastes). Like so much in this life – we come full circle.

Just when I say things like “I think my photography is improving”, I run across a fotolog like Eliot Shepard’s slower.net and decide I should shut up. Is it my eye, my location, or my cat that’s the problem?