gewgaw

I know it’s unscientific, but from time to time I read my Tarot. I picked it up from Robb’s mom (Bobbie) about 7 years ago – and have been doing it ever since. Tho I have several decks (including the beautiful and dark Vertigo Tarot), my favorite is a Universal Waite – purchased in New Orleans.

Tarot cards can be read in many ways – number and arrangement vary. I use a 10 card layout that allows me to interpret recent past, current mind set, recent future, and long-term future trends. The layout for the “immediate” resembles a cross; the “future”, a long road.

Cards are also of multiple interpretations. At the most abstract level, lower cards (wands, coins, swords and cups) have meanings according to their suit and ranking, while higher arcana cards signify individual strengths or forces. If the reading ends on a higher arcana card, it’s considered a strong finish. If not, Bobbie taught me to read three cards out to “cast some light” on the twists and turns ahead.

This was consistent with her general outlook. The object of a reading is to see potential. Cards can be seen less as “truths” and more as “choices” – possible futures to be authored through individual actions. For this reason, Bobbie would “right” cards that came up “inverted” – bringing the (shady, negative) reverse meanings into the light, and producing a brighter overall reading. “There is enough negativity in the world – why add to it?”.

For a few years, I read Tarot at department events – so as to keep in touch with the students. Now (with the exception of an occasional reading for guests or friends) I mostly read for myself. I guess I find it centering to contemplate the future with the large, myth-laden cards. A story, only better, because it’s just about to happen.

—

I sat down to do my reading with everything in mind. I’m approaching a cusp – a big decision point. What are the next 3-6 months going to be like for me? Relationships, graduation, job search… I found it hard to choose a single question (which often helps focus your interpretation of the cards as they are revealed). I really just wanted to know the shape of things to come.

After a while, I gave up trying to settle, and laid down the cards. And just to add a little more chaos – I decided to let the cards stay inverted as I turned them over. How bad could a “reversed” reading be?

My cards were strong – the strongest I’ve had in the last two or three years. A traditional reading, complete with reverse meanings, goes something like this:

I am [center] a nostalgic person and hoarder of memories, often dwelling on the past. Only through effort [what "crosses" me] of my intellect can I stay focused on the present. While I’m bright (my head [top cross] is clear and intuitive), I walk often [bottom cross] with pain, disappointment, and suffering.

In the recent past [left cross] I was indecisive, idling and untrue. In my recent future [right cross] I will continue to be indecisive, possibly make a regretful error in judgment, going back on my decisions.

My future is not much brighter. In my internal environment [bottom right] I am lacking direction, heading towards failure. Externally, [second right] I see only stalemates and unwanted propositions. My hopes and fears [third right] are about prosperity, grace, and freedom. Yet the outcome of the reading [top right] reveals that I will ultimately use my powers against myself, defeating my own desires, giving in to my weak will.

I contemplated this layout for a long time. Then, I “righted” the cards that were upside down, and re-read them. This corrected layout, interpreted as Bobbie taught me, reads something like this:

I am a historian (and a photographer!). Memories of good times and old friends are dear to me – especially when I’m troubled. Right now, my “masculine” intellectual side is championed over my feeling or “feminine” side, and I’m working hard to make logical and balanced choices. In my thinking (scholarly – the Page of Wands is the card of students) I am clever and insightful – moving forward. But it’s costly – my everyday life feels mostly like work (Swords are the suit of work and labor – and the ten is considered a sign of overwork). It is an effort for me to stay grounded.

In my recent past, the Empress was dominant. Thoughts about my past as a girl and future as a woman were paramount. Looking ahead, the outcome of this dialog between my thinking and feeling sides will be a unified whole – a person that makes decisions based on intuitions and ideas together.

These changes will manifest deep within, as I learn to let the combined power of thoughts and feelings guide me. There is a journey ahead… and my destination will become clear – but after some work and time has passed. My hopes about this (to be independent, graceful, respected) are balanced by the fear that strong women are somehow boring… and often journey alone. But in the long run, I will have the power to be both self-sufficient *and* creative – reasoned and spontaneous. Like a magician, I will become that which I desire to be, using the elements at my disposal.

That’s more like it!

As I said – I was taught to see each of these cards is a choice. In as much as each of them represents the possibility of success, power, intuition or grace – they also warn of temptations, weaknesses, excuses, and misjudgments. It is also interesting to note what is not present in my reading – cups (the cards of the heart). Previous readings have been overrun with heartache, heartbreak, and concerns about companionship. It appears that I have bigger fish to fry.

In a way, contrasting the two readings feels most satisfying – because now I can make an active choice. Looking before I leap. Which, if you think about it, is what the cards are all about.

It was over 50 here today, sun shining and birds chirping. I woke up, took one look outside, and started opening the storm windows.

I am so eager. I know that this is just a teaser – that the cold weather will come back in a day or two, and hang around till April. But I couldn’t help “taking the afternoon off” to do a little spring cleaning.

I swept up the entire house, pruned my plants, moved my heavier coats to the back of the closet, eyeing my jean jacket and trenches. Then, I put away my heavier blankets and broke out mid-weight linens. It was so nice to have fresh air in the house. So nice, in fact, that I still have my bedroom window open.

Sabine always enjoys cleaning and organizing activities. It’s an excuse to investigate. She’ll follow me from room to room, sniff things that I move or replace, eventually settling to observe from one of her favorite perches.

Her favorite perch for making the bed? The bed, of course. Here she is, enjoying my springtime sheets.

I think I’m going to give up on Fridays. For whatever reason – genetics maybe – I get antsy at 4 o’clock and can’t focus on much of anything.

Tonight, I gave in at about 7:30, and headed out for Ethiopian with Seth. Afterwards, we went to see the last night of the Elastic Festival of Improvised Music at 3030.

I hadn’t been to the space yet (see all those posts about working late)… it’s a tiny, renovated church. Walking up to the door, and in through the curving stairwell, I wondered if it would be *too* tiny. But it was just the right size for the event. Wide enough to comfortably seat 40 or so (on pews), close enough to hear just about every sound.

It was a bit dark, but thanks to the “nightshot” feature of my new camera, I was able to snap some of the last set. I managed some decent portraits and group shots – I think I’m getting better at portraiture in general. But for motion and spirit, I think this is my favorite. I took it just as the set was ending.

Human breath, pressed through a horn, full of energy and experience – it always amazes me how subtle and strong that can be. An everyday thing that we often take for granted – transformed by the instrument into something greater… into a force. As the sound wound deep into my ears and vibrated in my chest, I felt the stresses and worries of the week fading away.

I am glad that I went.

As I prepare for GDC and get my thesis in order, I’ve been going over some of my old notes, digging through books. Here is a favorite:

“The most striking feature of the computer in a game context is responsiveness. Responsiveness is vital to the interactiveness so important to any game. The computer can respond to the human player in a variety of ways If the action in a card game or board game starts to drag, the players have no choice but to plod through or take desperate measures. There is no reason why a computer game could not speed up on demand. It could change the length of the game or the degree of difficulty or the rules themselves.

The computer is dynamic; it imposes little constancy on any element of the game. Board games, card games, and athletic games all have invariable parameters that constrain the designer. Once you have printed 100,000 game boards, it becomes very difficult to modify the map. We can’t have 53-card stud; the decks aren’t made that way. And should some miracle of science produce footballs that kick farther, we will not be able simply to extend football stadiums without spending many millions of dollars. The computer is far less restrictive. All of the game parameters are readily changed, even during the course of the game. There is nothing stopping us from creating a football game in which the goal post recede from the visiting team. Territories in computer war games can be switched around the map more easily than we move a chair across the living room. This flexibility is of paramount importance to the game designer. As yet, it has been put to little use.”

– Chris Crawford, The Art of Computer Game Design – 1984

Reading over the quote the first time, I wondered: why hasn’t the commercial games industry taken real advantage of the machine’s ability to respond “as needed” or “in real time” to the demands of individual players. If game rules can be changed so easily to pre-empt boredom, increase challenge or create personalized experiences – why are so many commercially shipped games so linear?

It’s been a long time since then. And I have many, many thoughts on the issue. But a big part of the answer lies in another quote from Crawford’s book – just pages away from the first citation:

“The final weakness of the computer is the requirement that it be programmed. No other game technology imposes so harsh a demand on the game designer. The board game designer can sketch an adequate board and construct simple playing pieces that serve quite effectively. When the time comes to produce the game, a professional can produce a quality version of the amateurish prototypes made by the designer. For this reason, the designer need not be concerned with the technical aspects of game production.

The computer game designer does not have life so easy. The design must be implemented on the computer by programming. This is a tedious and difficult process, and it is not easily delegated, for the programming effort exerts a major influence over the design process. Implementing a design well is a major hurdle for any computer game designer.”

Games are incredibly complex. Designing them is difficult, and implementing them is even harder. Even with the best intentions, and the most developed systems designs, there are unexpected constraints, interactions, and failures. One system may directly interfere with another; the slightest change to any underlying principle or feature can wreak havoc (no pun intended).

Looking over Crawford’s initial thoughts about design and flexibility after a long time away from the books – I noticed that there is one, crucial omission. There is no distinction between those aspects of a game’s design that can be tuned or adjusted safely (without muddling the game’s underlying mechanics), and those that cannot.

—

In my work, I have focused on simple, evaluable changes to an existing game system. I’ve singled out the most basic features of a Half Life, and manipulated them in a direct, mathematical fashion. Now, as I evaluate this work, I see that my goal has been to determine what can be extrapolated from examining the most simple, base cases.

It hasn’t been easy. In fact – because I’m not a game designer, I’ve made some pretty huge mistakes. Most of my early work literally destroyed the gameplay experience – producing dynamics that were irritating, boring, or unintelligible to human players!

And even now, after two years of study, the techniques I’ve implemented run the risk of disturbing a player’s suspension of disbelief. Tuning a game so that it’s just under the radar of the player is an art in and of itself – and I’m just a beginner.

Thus, while the explicit goal of the research was to produce AI algorithms for dynamically difficulty adjustment, the underlying work was all about understanding design.

—

My apprenticeship to the developer community has been invaluable to my work as a researcher. I cannot stress this enough.

Without a firm grounding in the way a game is designed to work with player input, one cannot recognize the difference between tunable parameters (for which changes will have a relatively linear effect on the gameplay dynamics) and underlying mechanics (for which changes can have wildly unpredictable consequences). Without an appreciation for the ways in which games create challenge, offer rewards, and maintain our sense of immersion and fulfillment, it is impossible to build things that don’t actively work against these things.

I really do believe that understanding these kinds of distinctions is critical. It will enable AI and Games developers and researchers to build the next generation of games and game design tools. By learning to pinpoint the tunable elements of a game, and giving designers tools that help modify and monitor these parameters – we can simplify the work of game development and create dynamic games that appeal to players with a variety of play styles, abilities and preferences.

And I just kind of wanted to say so. :P

On my way home from work last night I ran into my friend Phil. He’s also known as Philthee – for his work with Philthees Gold – possibly one of the best annual rap-pop compilations ever. L’il Kim? Big Baby Jesus? Philthee blings with the best of ‘em. In my daydreams, he wears a diamond toe-ring.

Anyhow – Phil was walking along carrying his groceries, and seemed kind of startled to see me (maybe it’s my look? see below). He asked how I was; I complained about my bad day. I asked how he was; He showed me that after breaking his left arm (slipped and fell on some ice while taking out the garbage) he can no longer really give a “thumbs up” with his left hand.

D’oh! There’s a distinct taste of shoe in my mouth even now.

Despite my total insensitivity and lameness, he was gracious and funny…. and I left feeling better for having talked to him. Today I found his blog, and am already giggling. Right there with him on the chip-shaped chocolates. WTF??

And like Phil, I also had a bit of an Ash Wednesday shocker. I went to the grocery store Starbucks for a cup of coffee on my way to the train… and was not-so-casually *stared down* by a woman in her 70’s (I think she found my retro stylings disturbing) with a giant black smudge on her forehead!! There we were, standing in line, each thinking … WTF?!

WWJD? To each his own accessorizing!

TA-ing while thesising is not easy. I find it difficult to focus on the long-term deliverables for my code and writing when I know there is email to be answered, homework to be graded. But I grade, and I feel the day slipping away from me. Ideas fading into the background, words vanishing into the noise and then, sleep.

So I’m at work – staying late, in an effort to catch up.

I’m not alone – Vern is here, working on the interface component for the project, and Jeff is next door coding away as well. But I feel down, and a bit lonely, none the less. And the music isn’t helping…

I wish, sometimes, in the most general and practical way, that I cared less. I wish I could be nonchalant about my obligations, my promises, and especially, my time. There’s just so little to go around.

And that’s kinda killing me.

Tonight, novelist and fabulist Karen hosted a wonderful dinner party, serving dishes from Julia Child’s famous tome The Way to Cook. The Menu (Quotes: Julia, Prose: Karen)…

• appetizer: PEELED SKEWERED SHRIMP This recipe combines two of favorite food items: fish and BACON. Bacon wrapped around marinated shrimp, or at least half the shrimp– the rest –> –I’d leave bacon-less so John could eat some (you eat fish, right?). Julia wisdom: “When buying frozen shrimp…rush them home on ice if possible. If your market has thawed the shrimp, give your purchase a serious sniff before leaving the premises….”
• the main course: SPINACH AND CHEESE SOUFFLE Yes, a souffle! No avant-garde noise allowed during the baking of this dish. Julia wisdom: “The souffle is undoubtedly the egg at its most magnificent, the egg in all its puffing power. How impressive is the … cheese souffle, its head rising dramatically out of its dish, and swaying ever-so-slightly as it is borne to the table.”
• side dish: BRAISED ENDIVES I’ve been aware of this French-tastic dish for years but have never actually tried it. Julia wisdom: “…They are a true braise–they are cooked –> –not only until tender but, more important, until there has been a real exchange between the buttery lemon braising juices and the endives themselves. That is the point at which they are unique, and truly delicious.”
• salad: mixed vegetables and greens using the “Master Recipe” OIL AND LEMON DRESSING Julia wisdom: “Make the flavoring in a separate bowl and toss a good portion of it into the salad just before serving, then taste a dressed leaf analytically, and toss in more flavoring….” Who wants to analyze the dressed leaf?
• dessert: ISABELLA BEETON’S APPLE SNOW This is a sort of cooked apple and meringue concoction served cold. In the picture it looks really cool. Apparently it’s easy now, since electric mixers make beating egg whites into meringue pretty quick. But Julia notes: “Apple snow was not such a fast dish, of course, when Isabella’s great _Book of Household Management_ appeared in 1861 and all the beating was done by hand. But those were the days of the downstairs scullery maid, who beat her little heart out for the folks upstairs.”

about the swaying majesty of risen….eggs, undressed leaves, John’s proclivities, and who would play the maid. In the end, I was the only one who dressed the part – and I skewered my little heart out for the esteemed guests. Simon and Therese (the slutty slinky feline and his Rubenesque grooming companion) entertained us between courses. A fabulous selection of white and dessert wines rounded out the evening. Droolers (and the faint of heart) beware.

But there’s more to Karen than food! Post-feast, we gathered in her living room to smoke, chat and peruse her books – including a purloined copy of Confessions of an English Opium Eater, a re-print of On Being Ill with Woolf’s original type-setting, a volume of Joel-Peter Witkin’s photography, and TriQuarterly 37. The 1973 photo-essay explored themes of sex and death in a Victorian setting, with mustachioed, porn-star lookalikes. Oh, Juilia – those were the days!

Saturday afternoon, I spoke at the Northwestern’s Career Day for Girls for the second year in a row. It was nice to be back, and to see some familiar faces. One panelist (who’d felt a lack of direction in her career) happily informed me that she’s now in law school – nights. How does she stay up after a hard day working on cell phone and voicemail technology? She gave up caffeine for AM exercise and “munching” sweet treats during class. “My teeth are rotting, but I’m awake!”

In addition to two panels on CS and Engineering, I participated in a discussion on “Unusual Careers”. Once, after introducing myself as a games researcher, the panelist next to me said “You’re sure to get most of the questions! You do such exciting stuff!” Funny to hear that from a woman who engineers security systems hardware for a living!!

In the end, questions hit all sorts of topics, and everyone had plenty to say. The girls asked us about our schooling, salaries, how we met the people we know, got to the positions we are in, and what our daily lives are like. Nothing makes you appreciate your hard-won independence quite like discussing it with people who can’t stay out past 9:30.

Most often, the girls asked us how it felt to be women in male-dominated fields. Not so bad, as these things go. Speakers stressed the positives: Being different isn’t all that bad. There are people out there who’ll help you when you get down, or stuck – and plenty of women going through the same things every day. Stay focused, keep your eyes on the prize, and you’ll go wherever you want.

Looking out at the audience – pre-teen girls, just emerging from baby fat into a world filled with pains and triumphs, it was hard to imagine this. How did we, the speakers, grow from soft, sleepy formlessness into suited, booted go-getters that build phone switching hardware, sell heart-transplant care facilities, or design the interface for Microsoft Office?

Baby steps, I tell myself. Baby steps.

A post on the WomenDev mailing list brought this proposed box cover to my attention. From the post:

“She looks like Chrissy from Three’s Company, with what appears to be rose-colored Lennon glasses (or pink eyes?), solid-gold pasties and a wrestling-championship-quality gold belt (no pants)…

I admit that being attacked by the thighmaster lady wielding a 3-foot sword thicker than her entire arm is awe-inspiring and scary. Maybe that’s what they’re going for. It’s really well drawn too, but don’t they realize it’s more laughable than titillating? Ah well, it did make me smile…”

Poor Chrissy!!

You know the feeling when it happens in conversation. Some random thing, said even in passing, that sparks a memory. Something you did, something you thought and filed away for later – either because it was too crass, or too painful, or too revealing to share or contemplate in that moment.

At our worst – when we’re overwhelmed, angry, tired, drunk – these things well up and somehow cross the boundary, passing into our mouths, or through our fingertips, into the space between people. They are evaluated then, and for better or worse, stay true. Forever.

You can say other things, make webs around them to isolate them, confuse a listener or reader. But they’re out there, floating in other representations of you, what you mean, what you meant.

An anonymous place to say these things before they do damage – a way make them real under wraps. For some, it’s therapy. For others, close relationships – a trusted friend, a lover, a parent, a priest. Some write it down and burn the paper, others shout in the car, while driving home from work.

Now there’s a safe, effective alternative. No one has to know it’s you – but they read it. And it’s great reading – especially on random.

When someone breaks your heart, it has lasting, penetrating consequences. A long long time ago, someone really broke my heart. In fact, in the space of about a year, two people broke me in very bad ways. The first time, I felt like it was my fault. The second time, I felt like it was just cruel fate. Both times, I tried to pretend that it was “just part of growing up”.

I’m facing these hurts, putting together a picture of how they shaped my thoughts about men, sex, relationships, trust. It’s hard – because while my mind says I can trust and love openly – that the hard work of therapy is finally paying of… my heart is shy of action.

When was the last time someone really broke in and took a piece of you? These stories helped me put recent heartbreak fears into perspective. But what I like most about them is this: the people in the portraits are surviving, sometimes smiling, moving on.

We are nothing, if not resilient.

Last year at GDC, Austin and I developed the high-concept for a game about social networks and networking. The idea was to build an interface/simulation for surfing social networks, to draw out the kinds of “move” we make in public conversations.

Marc, who recently graduated from NU and is over in Justine’s new lab, is working with me on one of the incarnations of this original seed, called “Inertia” (hopefully to be shown at EGW). He sent me this link to images of social networks as a reference. Like the snowflake images I blogged before – they struck me as interestingly similar, yet unique. And beautiful.

The game concept itself has been through several transformations over the course of the last year. Like many game ideas, it can be thought of from a number of different perspectives. Depending on the platform, goals, and look/feel decisions, it can be many different games. In fact, the most exciting thing for me, as I learn about design, is comparing and contrasting different potential incarnations of a single idea. It is a skill I enjoy developing. A brain muscle, even.

In some ways, what Austin and I discussed that afternoon (while people watching over Bloody Marys) wasn’t so much a game, as an interest or investigation – one that might define genre. In my mind, the granddaddy of social networking games would be Chris Crawford’s Macintosh classic, Trust and Betrayal. The Sims is definitely brethren. For the most part, this title stands alone as the only successful modern game that explores the idiosyncrasies of human behavior. Singles: Flirt Up Your Life emerges as a potential competitor…

I’ve been on Friendster for a while, and now I’m on Orkut. Every day I link to new people, and deal with the small pushes and pulls of messages, requests, introductions and rejections. Will the rise in “social networking software” and trends in reality television combine to fuel new threads of parallel game development? There are so many juicy problems here for character, narrative and gameplay. I have my fingers crossed.

Over the last few days, several friends have called or written – checking in. I’ve been reaching out, too – despite lots of work and obligations. Conversations seem to help, even as they burn time. I get fresh insights, stories, and connections.

Reading over Chris’s blog I found this link on stress and gender. Does it explain my urge to chat even as the levels of anxiety peak? Long conversations at the dinner table with Paul are becoming routine. I’m starting to accept that – and look forward to it.

Rachel lost a student to pneumonia. Jee and Souris are both recovering from colds and contemplating big moves. Jane is on tour, and scarce. Smartgirls (our collective) ask each other: “Have you heard from her? Is she ok?”

Despite stress and exhaustion, we’re reaching out to each other, sending little notes and well wishes. Is it because we are female? Chris maintains that he reacts the same way – is that because he’s gay? Part of me wants to believe that this is nurture, not nature.

But that’s always the problem with understanding gender. You want to recognize the differences, but feel like admitting them somehow puts you in a losing position. Sameness feels better, even when it’s forced.

In the past, I’ve actually had a dearth of female friends. Only in my 30s have I made it a mission to connect with girls and gotten in touch with my need for female companionship. Partly, this comes from recognizing just how creepy and exhausting it can be to work in areas where women are one in 20, 50 or 100.

It is depressing! I have to work so hard to be taken seriously sometimes… yet if I talk about the experience of this “genderwork”, I risk appearing histrionic, bitchy, self-centered. When I speak at Northwestern’s annual Career Day for Girls this Saturday, I will put on my most positive attitude and check my reservations at the door. I encourage participation, and hope that these young girls will find the sciences (and tech industries) more female, more friendly.

In a recent email, I wrote “I wish I could switch my gender depending on the task at hand”. Then I thought “I should make a game where that’s an option.”

What kind of light would it shed on the issue? Would it serve only to channel the me-specific experience into a sim, and leave out all the other variations (sexuality, race, appearance, age)? Would it detail physical differences (strength, flexibility and other stereotypes) or focus on conversation? I could rathole on this for a while…

Chris’s friend Danah spent her Valentines weekend considering some of the sadder aspects of the gender gap. Why do women keep disappearing in Jaurez? DJ Krush fades from speakers “Yo this world’s gone mad but I see my way out”… For these girls, there is no more choice, no more connection.

You can donate to V-day here.

Slow but steady, we make a difference. Three cheers for:

• Jesper, degreed in Denmark and awarded in Monaco.
• Increasing coverage, including this recent AP article on Ludology.
• Continuing commentary on creativity and risk in the industry itself.

Two very sweet emails in my inbox on this day of gifts and giving.

One, from my dad – promising a late Valentine (and early birthday) present – to arrive sometime next week. This time, he says, it will be packed carefully (his last package rattled with the sound of broken glass upon arrival – Chicago’s post office must be a rough place).

But even better – this little note was attached.

Also, a really kind and considerate note from Ben (who swears he’s working on those long links), regarding the mysterious CSS errors on my previous posts (and another bug that caused these pages to look super silly in Mozilla and other browsers). Truely sweet, Ben followed up with even more helpful advice re: switching to comment-supporting blog software. Yay!!

Don’t get your panties in a bunch, tho, if it takes me a while to do that. I actually have over 300 assignments to grade this weekend (and not making much progress so far)… not to mention a zillion other things to write, design and implement.

And as a followup, for the curious, I *did* end up on a lovely Valentines date – in my kitchen, with my roommate. Paul and Junior Miss Evil feasted mightily on pasta, spinach salad, asparagus w/lemon butter, and fresh garlic bread (which somehow I always singe – my one consistent flaw is absentmindedness with the broiler). Not so bad, considering the alternatives!

*On Valentines Day, Paul was actually in a much better mood.

I love Valentines Day. Even tho I know its an evil false Hallmark holiday, I’ve always enjoyed it. I love to make cards (an excuse to use GLITTER!!), dress up (an excuse to wear HEELS!!) and generally, act the part of the girl in love. This year, however… time, distance and duty conspired against me.

Looking back, I realize that its been years – maybe as long as 10 years, since I spent Valentines Day alone. I know I am loved – and told myself that it was silly to mope about it. But by 4:00 on Friday I was feeling distracted and sad.

I decided to take a walk. Everywhere I looked, I saw hearts. Pasted on restaurant menus,strung up in shop windows… even random objects and signage seemed to call to me.

I bummed around a couple of Evanston thrift stores, but pickings were slim. And I had no place to go – even my “anti-Valentines” date (monster truck racing at the Allstate Arena) got cancelled on account of Matt having the flu. I felt sadder, sorrier, and sillier with each passing moment.

Riding the train home, I found myself wondering who had dates and who didn’t. This fellow passenger was wearing tiny gold heart earrings – a gift perhaps? After I snapped her picture, she got a text message on her mobile phone, and broke into a giant grin. Someone was thinking of her, I bet.

This man got on the train wearing a CTA vest – he was very tall, and seemed tired. Only after he’d removed it and started to go through a bag from the grocery store did I wonder if he had chocolates and flowers stashed away. Did I suppose civil servants and city employees were exempt from the festivities?

It was chilly when I got off the train, and I cursed the slippery sidewalk, fumbling with the key in my front gate (and bending it, as I later discovered). I saw the long box from outside, and a little butterfly stirred. Certainly not for me, I cautioned.

I’m not kidding you – I forced myself to open my mailbox and retrieve my letters and bills before sneaking a peek at the label… I was that afraid of being disappointed. Sometimes I think that my therapy is having no effect!!

Inside, I gingerly unwrapped my orchid – still chilly to the touch. No card, but via text message, a hint. “You can’t prove anything.” Call me silly, selfish, hopelessly brainwashed – but sometimes, you can.

I have a beautiful Tokinese cat named Sabine.

I found her at a shelter, and she was sick with a cold. Aahhh-choo! She sneezed and clung to me like a baby. Even tho I really wanted a black cat (so goth – even in college), I couldn’t say no. She was so cuddly and soft.

I got her home, and she refused to be held!

Even now, she will not let me hold her for more than a few seconds. Yet she craves attention – demanding to be let into the bathroom (even with strangers) and curling up on anything you try to read. Very typical – but special because she’s mine!

Sabine is 13 years old – and older she gets, the louder she gets. She has a pitiable, warbly cry that she uses morning, noon and night. Even Paul gets the worst of it now if he tries to study with his door closed. If she wasn’t so cute – she’d be out on her tush for sure.

Over the last week or so, I’ve become very sensitive to the fact that some day, she’ll die. Maybe it’s Valentines Day creeping up on me…

Here are some pictures of her, doing her crazy Sabine thing.

The sun is shining, it’s unseasonably warm (over 40 today!!) and I slept through the night for the first time in a week – so my mood is much improved. Bonus: my inbox was packed with encouraging/kind mail and a couple of great forwards.

Courtesy of Paul, an inspirational take on seasonal depression.

Courtesy of Seth an amazing song via Show and Tell Music. Stick with it – the second half is where it’s at.

Finally, and oldie (but goodie) from DC: angry bed positions. No idea what prompted this! I swear!

PS: For some reason, certain past entries don’t appear on the web page when you navigate to them via the calendar feature to the right. I’m trying to fix this but basically, if you load a page and see no text – resize the window. This seems to fix it (don’t aske me why). Grrr.

I’m sort of an oddball. My research isn’t strictly Computer Science, or even strictly AI. I don’t have many contemporaries – either at Northwestern or in the University system at large. Most of my feedback comes via email – or over drinks at conferences.

Not that I mind – in many ways I prefer this kind of journey. I went to the University of Chicago because it celebrated interdisciplinary studies – and graduate in a “choose-your-own-adventure” major, combining Fine Art, Film, Gender Studies, English Criticism and Computer Science. No single shoe seemed to fit just right.

It wasn’t just that I wanted to immerse myself in many disciplines – I wanted to express through many channels. My BA thesis was an autobiographical hypertext narrative about my experiences as a geek and a girl – one that unfolded as you read it to reveal new links, new paths, new possibilities.

Basically – I’ve always been a generalist. I like to think a little about a lot of different things, connect stuff together in new and interesting ways.

As a result, I spend a lot of time thinking about collaboration. Most of the work I’ve done over the last few years with the IGDA and the Game Developers Conference has been about matchmaking between the academy and the games industry.

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It’s a rough time for game researchers and game developers alike. Funding for game-related work is still pretty difficult to scrape together, and most of the PhD’s I know in the area are struggling through under the guise of a more “respected” discipline. Initiatives for serious academic programs involving Interactive Entertainment are slow to start and hard to keep afloat.

On the development side, it’s also kinda grim. This month’s Game Developer Magazine starts with a pretty stark editorial about the ways in which job security and developer maturity combine to make harsh hours and move-per-project prospects less and less attractive. Consolidation and publisher aversion to risk compound the pink slip problem – people are feeling kind of stretched and pressed by the current trends. Lots of my friends are between jobs, quitting, taking time off – biding time for a better shot at the creative, inspiring work they love.

And it seems like progress on other fronts is slow, at best. The magazine’s annual salary survey reveals that the gap between men’s and women’s salaries is somewhat larger this year – and the overall gender split is about the same. While testing and writing (which are really fundamental to creating solid, broadly appealing, entertaining experiences) are considered valid career paths, neither is a priority in terms of pay or prestige.

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At Imagina’s closing “Futures” panel, several veterans discussed these and other problems, trying to flesh out where “innovation” will occur in the next few years. The upshot? While researchers are getting better in baby steps – the market is expecting more and more dynamic realism. Our potential to visually simulate reality is whetting consumer appetites – but our technology for creating dramatic interactive stories and believable interactive characters is still best when viewed via child-like or cartoon-ish avatars. Shorthand we can do. Acting? That’s another story.

Where to go from here?

Six months ago I attended GDC Europe and heard a lot of the same comments/complaints. I wrote an article for Game Face magazineotential solutions – solutions created via collaboration. Six months later – I feel the same way (perhaps even more so). Academics and developers will have to work together to outline a better future – one where baby steps can be quickly and effectively translated into the medium … they way they are for computer graphics. It’s now or never.

For GDC this year I’m organizing a panel on this topic. If you have ideas/examples please get in touch. I’d really like to get up there and have something positive and inspiring to say.

I’m so busy since I got back from Monaco – so many notes and ideas and so little time to write everything down. I keep thinking I’ll update the blog when I’m done catching up but … somehow it doesn’t happen.

Jet lag is a major issue: I still can’t sleep through the night even though it’s been over 5 days since I returned. Then, by 6 or 7, I’m dead on my feet. Keep waking up at 4:30. Yikes.

Anyhow – I have been making progress – if slowly. First on the list of things to do was conference catch-up and mail. In my inbox since my return – a bunch of interesting links that each created a spiral of thought. Here are a few, sans thoughts (sorry – no time!!):

• Cycorp is advertising summer internships. Who do they want? People who are capable of implementing “true AI”. Poppycock!!
• Lauren forwarded me this article on sex and brain chemistry. While I have experienced the exact feelings/behaviors that the author describes, I resent the implication that basically, my attraction to people is some form of drug addiction. What about the exchange of stories, information, knowledge? I’d like to think that there’s more to the rush and gush than swarms of receptors being tantalized with the body’s equivalent of MDMA. Is that so wrong?
• My brother forwarded me this collection of sidewalk drawings done in perspective. I have no idea how old/recent this link is but it’s pretty neat. I especially like the people falling into the well. I have a little 6-act comic of a guy falling into a well at my house – I rescued it from the ticket box at a local theater – one of the attendants had drawn it while on shift, I suppose. Falling-in-the-well, Rip Van Winkle-type stories have always frightened/thrilled me.
• And before all this: Paul’s recent warning/rant about the iBook Logic Board problem was seemingly immediately followed by action from Apple:

  From:iBook Logic Board Repair Extension Program

  Q: “I paid for an eligible repair before the iBook Logic Board Repair Extension Program began. Will Apple reimburse me for the cost of the repair?”

  A: Yes. Apple will reimburse customers with eligible iBooks for the cost of repairs covered under this program, and will pro-actively contact affected customers where Apple has their contact information.

  Coincidence? We prefer to think otherwise. Go Paul!!

Finally, an epilogue to the Robfest post for those of you in the Chicago area who are interested in music/electronics/performance – Deadtech’s annual Nerd Battle is just around the corner!!

Tonight when I was riding the el home, my magnet attracted two very drunk and belligerent people. It was 6:30, I was crashing hard (needed food badly) and my mp3 player battery was dead. No refuge.

One bum (a man) started teasing some children who were sitting across from me about how, when he was a shortie, kids just like them would beat him up and take his chocolate milk. He proceeded to lecture them on racism, racist slurs, and love – all while reeking of cheap bourbon.

His companion (a woman), eventually interrupted to ask to roll some dope. Not kidding. They began to argue about the dope, like it was the fabled chocolate milk. One accusation fueled another, until the woman was spewing vitriol (and plumes of fume) at the whole car.

“I’m a woman – and a woman ain’t never gotta be broke. As long as I have a head on my shoulders and a slit between my legs, I’m gonna be jes’ fine!”

I love public transportation, but sometimes I really really hate the train.